THE COACH COACH

Everyone recognizes the importance of coaches in sports, but have things possibly gotten a little out-of-hand? Andy Reid, coach of the National Football League’s Kansas City Chiefs makes $20 million per year, and his biggest risk of concussion is if he falls down on the way to the bank. Pundits rationalize the salaries of professional coaches pointing out the exorbitant salaries of the players they coach. For example, Juan Soto of baseball’s New York Mets makes 51 million a year (and is hitting a modest .283). But what about colleges? Kirby Smart, coach of the Georgia Bulldogs football team makes 13.28 million. If the tax-exempt university could only boost their class size and pay their adjuncts a little less, he could be right up there with the pros. But don’t think this is just an American phenomenon. Diego Simeone, coach of the Atletico de Madrid soccer team makes a cool 33.5 million and never has to do a header.

This recent glorification of coaching now seems to be trending to the culture at large. Whenever I want to learn about the latest in “culture chic” I ask my friend Beemer. He is a “first adopter;” one of those people who pay $6,000 for the latest OLED flat screen TV that will sell a year later in Walmart for $799. “What’s going on with this coaching thing?” I asked Beemer.

“It’s very important,” he told me. “My son has always had a basketball and baseball coach at school. But now he is approaching college age, and we had to get him a coach for the SATs. All the other parents are doing it and it’s FOMO. We didn’t want him to fall behind.”

“I understand. Where is he going to college?”

“You think that’s a simple question,” Beemer says, “But these days colleges are so competitive. We had to get him a college entrance coach so his essays would be appropriate for all 18 applications the coach recommended.”

“I guess coaching is important to kids after all, I said.”

“It’s not just kids,” Beemer told me. “My wife, Andrea, is feeling so much better since she got a fitness coach. And it’s convenient for her, because her tennis coach works out of the same club. The real difference for her, however, is her new cooking coach. Before that it was always, chicken, beef or fish, which was boring. The latest research shows how dangerous boredom is to a marriage.”

“I’m glad you don’t have to worry about that. You and Andrea are a perfect couple.”

“Well, things have certainly improved since we started seeing this great marriage coach.”

“I didn’t know. How did you find her?

“I heard about her from my golf coach. My golf pro recommended a coach because a lot of what I do wrong is in my head and has got nothing to do with my swing.”

“Kind of a motivational coach?” I asked.

“Oh no,” Beemer responded. At work, I have a leadership coach for that. When I had to learn how to do better Power-Point presentations, my speech coach referred him to me. In fact, I’ve been so successful, I’m planning on changing my career.”

“Isn’t that a little risky at your age?”

“Not at all. You see, I was going to my life coach, trying to ensure that my long-range plans will yield the maximum happiness and fulfillment. She sent me to this magnificent career coach.”

“No kidding. Have you decided what you are going to do/”

“Absolutely. It’s the newest thing. A line of instruction in a burgeoning field. I’m going to be a coach coach.”